The Not-so-Great Smell of Spring

Walking in to Dan's building today, there was a very familiar smell in the air. Before I identified what it was or even recognized any possible association, I realized I had tears in my eyes. For no reason. Other than a smell. Of course, my first thought is WTF? And then take my brain through the process of figuring it out. First: Identify the smell: mulch! Freaking mulch! Second: WHAT? WHY? Apparently I associate the smell of mulch with Virginia. This time of year, no matter where you go, it's pretty much what you smell. Everywhere. Third: Tears? Seriously? Yeah... over mulch... I didn't really figure that one out. I guess my subconscious misses Virginia more than I really realize. And my not so subconscious is still having a pretty difficult time adapting here. I think it's getting better. It would sure help if the weather would make up its mind and let us go outside once in a while (without multiple layers and shivering). That they're giving in and laying fresh mulch had better be a sign! I know I just need to establish a "groove," get a routine and well - suck it up - and I am working on that. I just didn't know a smell I actually hate could trigger such an absolute random hormonal reaction. Good thing I have the hormones to blame! I'd hate to have to admit I really am just that big of a nutball!

It's the Middle of April. Come on! Seriously!?

An Overly Generous Easter Bunny

Everyone is posting their adorable Easter pictures and updates and I've gotta tell you, the Easter bunny ripped them off!

For Easter this year, the Easter Bunny brought Madeleine her "very own house." (That's what she calls it and every item in it is also "her very own!") Quite the gift, huh?!? She is so happy to have all of her things back I don't think even Christmas could match the excitement level. So instead of getting all dressed up and cute and getting lots of fun and cute and yummy treats from the Easter Bunny, we spent the day unpacking. Though I can't say it was a terrible way to spend a day. We have an almost functioning kitchen now!

We did get to do an Easter egg hunt and she loved it. She couldn't care less for the point of it, she was just thrilled to wander around picking up a ton of candy off the ground! Thanks to my sister and her husband, we did get to give her a little piece of the holiday and not completely abandon it for her. Holidays are much more fun and, I think, much more important when kids are involved.

Remember Her?

And since many of you haven't seen Li'l Miss Monster in some time...

The kid won't stop growing! I keep begging her to stop, or to at least slow down. She's just not interested. She's almost three and has the attitude of a 14-year old. The sass, too. But she's absolutely freakin' adorable (and she'll tell you so, too! In exactly those words, as a matter of fact) and is so much fun. The only bad thing about spending 5 months straight with her is that it gave me a taste of how much I loved it and wish I could do it for real. She's just that awesome. (Remind me of that when I get home tonight and want to rip her head off for whatever reason since that seems to be our nightly ritual anymore.)

Quick, Little Life Update

I haven't posted much about where we are or where we've been over the past few months. If any of you out there are still reading and are curious, here's a small peek into our little lives.

As I have posted, we left Virginia in October. We came back to Utah and Dan quickly got a job in Salt Lake. He moved out here and stayed with a friend while Madeleine and I stayed in Vernal with our families and spent some time with them. A lot of time. I finally, recently got a job - conveniently in the building next to Dan's - and moved in with my sister so she could play day care while we firgured out what we were doing. So Madeleine has spent the past month with them and for the most part, aside from a few hair-pulling, clawing, screaming incidences, she's having a ball. She starts back to official day care on Monday and there is a little anxiety with that as it is very structured and scheduled and she's never really had that. We found out in November we had baby #2 on the way and found out in March it would be another girl. I cannot decide on any name whatsoever, I don't like anything enough to commit to it and it hasn't been a very easy/fun pregnancy. But we're half-way so yae! (Over half way if this one comes as early as Madeleine did.) Though I am starting to panic a little bit about the name thing... We're moving into our own place this weekend - FINALLY! After six months, life seems to be trying to find its sense of normalcy again. The past year (and 3 days, to be exact) has been one of the hardest of my life. It's certainly taken it's toll on me and me emotional sense of being (and certainly confidence). To add to it, I'm having an extremely difficult time re-adjusting to the lifestyle and culture of Utah (details are for another post at another time). I can only hope things start looking up and sorting themselves out. Otherwise, I may just go completely basketcase. Oddly, I'm naively optimistic. I think that's a good thing.

Project Say Something: Playing Some Serious Catch-up

I'm not even going to bother splitting them up into multiple posts. If I don't post them now, I never will. And I kinda want to move on...

Share with us an event or person that early in your life helped shape who you are today?

I've been looking back trying to find a specific event or person that I can call out as having shpaed who I am now. What I'm really looking for is something to blame for how I've turned out. Jealous, bitter, dissatisfied, angry, unsuccessful, complete lack of self-confidence, unmotivated, overly-emotional and sensitive, hateful, lost, confused, and frustrated. I have only myself to blame. I know that. But where did I get the traits that allowed those nasty pieces of me to take over and sabatoge every piece of me? I don't know. What I do know is that I do credit my high school debate coach and a friend I had my senior year in high school for a lot of the good pieces. That I, of course, promptly turned bad. But the good pieces that gave me any strength or interest in the person I am or want to be, the desire to try to understand and someday have fixed all that is broken in me, I'll credit to them.

What two things could you do when you were a child that you can't do now?
And of course the flip side to that...
What two things could you not do when you were a child but you can do now?

Eat and not gain a ton of weight as soon as it hits my mouth.
Talk on the phone for hours and hours and hours.
Text, email, chat. Cuz now I HATE the phone.
Drive.

"If you had a good friend who was in a bad relationship, would you say something or keep your mouth shut? Why did you choose what you did?"

Bad as in abusive and hurtful? Or I just don't like the guy cuz he's an ass?
Oh wait. I guess there's not really a difference. I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut about stuff like that. I like to bitch and complain, if you've not noticed. But in seriousness, I think a friend should say his/her piece and then butt out. It's not your relationship, it's not your life and short of your friend putting his/her life at risk by staying with the person, say what you need and be done.

What are your thoughts on plastic surgery? Would you ever do it yourself? Why or why not.

I am terrified of any type of surgery because of the pain, the recovery, and the scars. So that requires me to answer "No!" because I really think that fear would keep me away from caving in to it regardless of the circumstances. However, I am not morally opposed to it. In moderation. Nicole Kidman was an amazingly beautiful woman. It breaks my heart to look at her now. She looks plastic. A figment of her old, natural self. I need some expression in my beauty. Even if that means some wrinkles and loose skin. However, as I look in the mirror lately, I think to myself, "huh, I wonder if botox would really help at all." So botox and a breast reduction. Someday. Maybe. I might be able to do those. But the pain and the recovery and the scars (and the cost!!) send me running from the idea of the latter. But someday... maybe...

This is a three part question Essay, philosophy, and art.
First the essay - write a letter to your 12 year old self based on your life experiences and knowledge you have now. What advice would you give?

Yo!

Chill! Seriously. Don't take things so seriously. Especially yourself. Boys are lame and useless and most importantly, so not worth it. Wait until they are. It'll only be a few years and you'll meet a few who are completely worth it. Don't waste your emotions and energies on these nimrods. Also? School? Hello. Pay attention. Care a little bit more. Unlike boys, it really does matter. Maybe not as much as they try to tell you it does (seriously, math? You can get by without being a genius in it so don't stress so much over it), but it does matter a whole lot. Because you have to go to college. And actually GET the degree. A four-year one. In anything. Just do it. I know you're planning on it, but sometimes life gets in the way of your plans and desires. Don't let it. YOU are what matters. Oh - and by the way, that can apply to every single stinking part of your life. Accept it. Embrace it. And in twenty years, when someone tries to get you to leave your perfect job - tell them to STICK IT!

P.S. Keep a journal! Trust me.

Philosophy question in honor of Darwin- If a man evolved from apes and monkeys then why do we still have those animals around?

To remind us where we came from?

Art question - What piece of music, art, architecture best represents your view of yourself?

I think this one can pretty much sum things up lately.
(I would love to take these seriously because that would be very insightful but... that's just not in my nature)

Have you had a best and/or worst Valentine's Day? Tell us about it/them...

It was relevant at the time I asked it, I swear. I don't remember a worst but I can guarantee I've had them. I'll just go ahead and say this year's was the best. Since Dan and I weren't living together at the time, it was just nice to have a reason to come out and spend the weekend with him. Of course it helped he gave me amazing flowers and even more amazing chocolate covered strawberries but even more amazing and what made it the most awesome was that he did it entirely on his own. I always have to nag him about holidays - which makes me hate holidays. But he did this one all by himself (as far as I know, anyway and I'll kill the person who tells me otherwise). So the fact that he made the effort, that he had a plan, made it the best ever.

World's Worst Mom

Yeah. That title would be mine.

Ever since I started back to work (oh, yeah, by the way, I've gone back to work. More about that later), I have had very little patience with Madeleine at nights. I last about an hour and then we're at war. Tonight was no exception. After telling her a million times to go get in bed, and Monica telling her son the same thing, I had about had it. We are currently staying with my sister and sleeping in her basement. For some of reason, Madeleine has developed an odd and intense fear of the basement after dark. That's where we were as we were yelling at our kids to JUST GO AWAY already. We were on a different side from the kids who were "supposed to be" going to bed. I heard them squabbling, something about the light, more blabber blabber but we're not paying attention so we're not looking. I walk in to the room to watch Madeleine slide off a small table as it tumbles to the side under her. Being at my wit's end with her, I react in frustration. I yell at her for being on the table and what was she doing on the table in the first place!?! "If you hadn't been on the table, you wouldn't have gotten hurt."

I pick up the table as I'm holding her and it's a fairly heavy table. She is screaming because she's hurt and probably more scared than anything. I'm nothing but frustrated at this point because I thought she was just dinking around, climbing on the table for fun. After a few minutes of screaming (hers and mine), she calms down and tells me she was on the table because Christian (her cousin who was supposed to be going upstairs to go to bed long ago as well) turned off the light on her and she was scared.

Damn. Ouch. Woops.

I immediately tear up and feel absolutely horrible. Massive Parenting Guilt - 1. Kim - 0.