Project Say Something: My Dream Do-Over

If given the opportunity to relive your life, what would you change?

The list I could make here would be huge. I'm not one of those people to tout "I have no regrets," or "everything I've done has led me to where I am so I wouldn't change a thing." Load of crap. There will always be things I wish I could change, no matter where it landed me in the end.

I wouldn't have flaked out and given up during the National Qualifying debate tournament my senior year.
I wouldn't have cared so much about what people thought of me because those people don't matter in the long run anyway.
I wouldn't have left Salt Lake the first time I moved out there.
I wouldn't have just walked away from countless friendships and people because it wasn't easy or convenient for me.
I wouldn't have completely destroyed the entire rest of my life the summer of '97.
I wouldn't have waited so long to have kids.
I wouldn't have quit school without getting the damn degree I've probably paid for three times over by not getting one.
I wouldn't let myself get beaten down time and time again.
I would have traveled a whole lot more when I was a whole lot younger.
I would let toxic relationships die.
I would be more honest and speak my mind a whole lot more.
I would tell people how I really feel, not what they want to hear or are afraid of hearing.
I would have wasted a lot less time in an absolutely miserable situation because I was terrified of the alternative (hey, I'm there now and it's not so bad. I wasted 6 months for that.)

But the number one thing I would change if given the chance to go back and do so - I know there are a lot of answers I should have for this, and there are some answers some people would say would be better - but the one thing I would change, in a heartbeat, given everything else that has happened (read: stupid decisions I've made), I NEVER would have left my job in March.

Project Say Something: I Have Good Qualities, Too. Really.

What is one personal characteristic you have that you would like to change?

Negative. Angry. Untrusting. Judgmental. Worrier. Whiner. Allow myself to be taken advantage of. Allow myself to be manipulated. Lacking ambition. Non-committal. No will-power. Procrastinator. Hypocritical. Bitchy. Impatient. Unrealistic expectations. Inconsiderate. Push-over. Paranoid.

Oh. Wait.

Just one?

That one would be how indecisive I am.

Project Say Something: My Movie Life

If your life were a TV Show or Movie, what would it be and why?

I am going to finally try to get caught up on these. It's been a while. There are a few to get through. Bear with me.

Way back when this question was asked, my answer was The Devil Wears Prada. However, now, I'm going to have to go with Nightmare Before Christmas.

I know, you're thinking, "huh? how?"

I hear this question at least 500 times a day.

Family Fun

I sat down to type up a post about the fun few days Li'l Miss M and I spent at my sister's house in Ogden. Because I love to procrastinate, I did so by reading up on a few blogs. Seems my sister beat me to it. And because I am also lazy, I'll just send you her way to read about our fun few days with them. In a nutshell - a lot of toddler Rock Band and some pumpkins.

Homesick for a Place That was Never Intended to be "Home"

Four years ago, if someone would have told me it would be harder for me to leave Virginia than it was for me to leave Utah, I would have called him insane. He (or she) would not have been. I fell madly in love with Virginia. I won't lie, it wasn't love at first sight but it grew slowly and passionately over time. It was inevitable that it would end, I knew our stay there was limited. The pull of family has always been strong for us and it's very important to both of us that our child know her family.

When I was at the height of wanting out of DC, Dan called me and asked what I thought about potentially trying Vernal, just resetting a bit, get a good chance to get completely out of debt, have time with family, and all the other bells and whistles he touted on that call. My response was this: I would give *anything* to get out of DC, ANYTHING! But not that, NOT that.

You see where that got me? I temporarily warmed up to the idea (I guess I really did want out of DC *that* bad) and made room for the idea to be further explored. The second it became a "decision," I knew that was not what I had wanted. And now, here I am. Longing for the life I had, the life we had created for the three of us, the friends we made, the routines we set, the space we had but maybe not the insanity of the last few months. I am not sure of the trade off's or what's better or worse. I just know I desperately miss what I know I'll never get again for *my* family. But now we have our families around us, so we'll just see where we go from here.

I'll be posting a bit backwards for a while, I have a lot to get out there but needed to get this out there first so we'll just start here and go back over the last couple weeks.

I Think I Have a Problem

Two large boxes worth.

I should maybe wear some of them every so often.

"Careful What You Wish For"

When we moved to Virginia, we figured it would be a 3-5 year stay. That was 4 years ago. Two years ago we decided we wanted to get home soon-ish so our families could know our kid and vice versa. One year ago we decided we really loved it here. Four months ago we started making efforts to actually head back. A week ago the decision was made to do it. Next week we do it. It was the ultimate goal, what we had wanted, and yet... Not like this, not this quickly. I am a bit terrified, a lot unprepared, and so very, very sad to be leaving this new life we've created for ourselves. We have made some amazing friends out here, met some of the very best people I've ever met in my life and I will miss all of them them terribly. We're leaving a lot behind that we love and enjoy. But we know we want to be close to family.

So I am packing up our house this week for us to trek back across the country and start over all over again.

Yikes.

All I Can Do is Keep Breathing

Or - Tired of the old shit, let the new shit begin.

There are so many directions I want to take this post. For the last 6 months, this quote has been able to sum up my life:

"The only pride in her workday was not that it had been lived, but that it had been survived."

(Funny that the book that I have been fighting with for 15 years can, in any way, sum up my life)

I am glad to say that is not my life any more. I no longer have that job - or any job for that matter. Which is, of course, terrifying for so many reasons. I don't want to sound flippant, I do recognize the doom and gloom, the gravity and reality of the situation in this economy and in my life. But at the same time, I cannot deny the sense of relief. In less than one day, my entire demeanor has drastically improved - I am already finding pieces of myself. Pieces I thought were lost. I may not have a job, but I have my soul back. Hence the ability to post again. It was a very short-lived break. I had expected it to be much longer. I indicated I was taking a brief pause because too much was happening that I couldn't get a grasp on, things just kept going wrong. So it seems a bit odd that yet another - a HUGE - step in the direction of "bad shit keeps happening to us" would be something that made all that a bit better. It was that "step" that made *me* better. I have no idea what I am going to do now. I have absolutely no idea how we will get by or where we'll end up. This should just amplify the fear, the frustration, the discouragement I have been feeling lately. Difference is, now I have the will to care. I was so angry and bitter and hateful and cynical and miserable before that I just couldn't allow myself to be optimistic, or even try to be. Now I have the energy to pick up the pieces and try to put them back together.