A Glimpse of What's to Come

Ten years from now, I am sure this is about all I will ever see of my kid...
Always gabbin' on one phone or another. At least, for now, they're all fake.

Weekend Fun

Mostly because I really need to bump that last entry down but also because I think this is an adorable picture...

Dan was racing all weekend so we had a girls only weekend and had a ball. Saturday afternoon I took her to a festival in one of the area parks and we got her face painted. She loves that. She was so proud of her butterfly all day. After the park, we went to my sister's house to hang out there for a while and then came back down for a temple open house. Yes, sadly, she had to lose her butterfly much earlier than I am sure she expected. But I promised to find her another festival in a weekend or two and we'd get it done again. After the open house, we went back to the park and watched a fireworks display. She had a very eventful, fun day. To get up Sunday, head out to the race track and have all sorts more fun out in the sun.

Loss

There are not words for what this post should say. I can't talk about it. I can't think about it. I simply can't deal with it. I am an emotional pansy and the first to admit it.

Jordan, our twelve-year old chihuahua, passed away last week. It was completely out of the blue for me and there are so many emotions to go along with it. The worst being guilt. When we put our house on the market in VA, two and a half years ago, they recommended we didn't have animals in the house during showings. Since we worked over an hour away from home, there was no way to run home and get the dogs for each house showing. So we "loaned" them out. And then life just kind of got out from under us. My biggest fear was that something would happen with one of the dogs while we didn't have them and I would never be able to forgive myself for "pawning them off."

While that fear was realized, I have nothing to forgive myself for, she was in a great place with a great person. But that does not eliminate the guilt. *I* should have been with my dog. I will never be okay with the fact that I wasn't. Sure, she was just a dog and it's part of life that they come and go, but she was like our first child - spoiled rotten, always there, she was the first thing - responsibility, life, pet - we had "together" - and from the time she was a puppy.

So it was/is awful.

And then there's the piece of trying to explain it to a 3-year old. How much does she really need to understand, really? She spent the entire day telling anyone with ears that her dog had died. She had questions. I didn't really have answers.

The week before, she was outside playing with a small ball. A ball she's had forever and loved. She lost her grip on it, it rolled down the street and fell into a storm drain. There was no way to get it out so we had to spend the week explaining to her that her ball was gone and she couldn't ever get it back every time she asked and it was often. So that's what I used. That's how I explained the loss of her dog to her. Which isn't going to stick for the same reason I am not still a blubbering mess. It's not 100% present in our lives. We didn't have her when it happened so, really, it's like nothing has changed. Whereas, if we had her, oh man. Life would be upside down for a while and explaining it to a 3-year old would probably be a whole lot harder. She loved that dog and always has nothing but excitement in her when she talks about them or sees them.

I miss my dog. I miss my daughter's dog for my daughter who can't possibly understand and who I'm glad can't really understand. Because I think that would make it even harder than it already is.

Here Be Monsters

I am entering into uncharted territory.

In 30 minutes from now - or, from when I started typing this - I will be pregnant for longer than I was with Miss Monster. 35.5 weeks. And no signs of any kid yet. I'm a little torn about this. Good that I apparently still have a little time to get a little more ready and get things together. But bad because I am so very tired of playing Host and just really want my body back - to be able to breathe, to move, to lay down, to bend over, to SLEEP - hahahaha, I know - who sleeps with a newborn? But that's not the point, to be physically capable of sleep is what I am talking about.

I think I got spoiled not having to do that last month with Madeleine and given she was so early, we've (including my doctors) have been pretty sure this one would be early as well. Not so much. A million other worries came along with this one, but now I'm sure I'm stuck going through this entire, miserable, HOT, awful summer big, fat and pregnant. There have been a few scares along the way - the time in March when I was pretty sure I'd lose the baby. The time at 30 weeks we were pretty worried she was just going to show up out of the blue right then. But after getting through all of that, and getting as ready as I actually am for this one, I think it has kind of jinxed it and I'll, with my luck, end up OVER due. (I know, "there's always something to complain about." And I should just feel lucky there haven't been worse complications and there are so many stories so sad and scary that I should just be grateful. But this is my space and I feel like complaining about how miserable this one has been.) I could have stayed pregnant forever last time around and she came early. This one, I wanted to be done pretty much immediately. And yet...

Time has flown by, really. It was the worst possible timing ever for us to get pregnant but I think it helped us shift focus from a lot of other things going badly because this was just the icing on the cake. And with Madeleine, I never had the chance to actually get "excited." I was too worried about getting ready and making sure everything was perfect that by the time I was getting around to relaxing about it and enjoying it, it was too late - she was here. With this one, I said forget it - I have no control. And now that I am a bit more ready than last time around, there are moments, slight twinges, of excitement. And then complete and total fear that somehow, between week 17 and delivery, she will change to a boy and we will be SCREWED! Not that we wouldn't want a boy (DUH) but uhhh... he'd have a whole lot of pink.

Growing

Madeleine was 4 months old her first Halloween. So, of course, I bought her a costume that fit - a 0-6 month costume. It was big and bulky and adorable. See:

Last night, we were working on the baby's room, dragging things out, sorting, organizing, putting things away, you know, the "fun" part of preparing for a baby (ha). One of the things I had in the pile to put back in storage was her lady bug costume. But I didn't get to it before she did. She's three. And it all but fit. Granted, only one of the snaps did up, but hey - it was ON.  

So not a whole lot has changed in three years, right?

If only.

For you, Miss Moo,

This year you left the only place you knew as home, and all of your friends, and drove across the country with Mom to a new life in a completely different world from what you were used to. You've been in love with princesses and dinosaurs and puppies. You lived away from your Dad for four months and spent five months with Mom actually getting to be a mom. You spent weekend after weekend going back and forth from one city to the other, spending just about as much time in the car as in our past life. You've watched more movies than probably most 10-year olds (in and out of the theater) and you've learned to sing and dance and love music. You've gotten to know your families and you adore them all. You've lived in more houses, with more different people than most people ever will in a lifetime. And you got a new house, your "own house," after not having one or any of your things for five months. You've also gained the sass and attitude to outdo most 14-year olds. And you've turned into one of those kids that has tantrums. After the first two years, I admit, I wasn't really expecting that. But you're three now and I am sure there are still plenty more to come.

I hope this past year is the hardest one you have for a very long time. You went through so much change and so much lack of consistency and routine. And yet, you are still such a good little kid. There were times you were my rock and got me through the insanity of it. And really, quite probably the only reason I did make it through the last year. The five months I got to spend being just your mom were, while difficult, the best five months ever. You have such a strong personality and are such a strong-willed, independent little monster that I often have to remind myself to just chill, you're only three.

There are days I feel really guilty we changed your life the way we did. We have such a different lifestyle here, I can't really say we can compare the two. You have so much family here and you have had the chance to spend so much time with them and I tell myself all the time that makes it worth it. To see you interact with your cousins and your grandparents, for a few split seconds, I really believe it. And, I am convinced, it's what we make of that life, for you, that matters. No matter where we are. And no matter where we are, or where we've been, watching it through you and seeing you take everything in and learn so much from it, makes anything worth it.

Welcome to your fourth year of life and may it be much easier - but just as fun and exciting - as the last three.

And She's Three

Little Miss Monster turned 3 on Sunday. We went to Vernal and had a little party at the park for her on Saturday evening. Given how her last party at the park went (or didn't!), I didn't plan much, I didn't go overboard and I really didn't care nearly as much as I normally would. But why stress when she's not gonna care about anything but getting to run around the park with her cousins all night? And it's a good thing I didn't because that was all she cared about. She didn't even eat her cupcake. She opened her presents and then just wanted to PLAY PLAY PLAY. So that's what we let her do.

We did a "purple flower" theme this year to keep it simple and small. The cake and the favors looked just like the invitations. We had grape koolaid drinks to match. I think I'm really kind of sick of purple for a while now.

I made the cake thinking it was one thing and then when I turned the pan over to get the cake out, realized it wasn't at all the pan I had thought it was. So I had to improvise as there was no way I was going to attempt what I had originally planned. I'm too lazy. But I think it turned out cute (and just fine!) anyway.

 

Kind of a crap picture of the spread, but there you have it. The swimming pool made a nice wind blocker given I couldn't take the cupcakes out of the container because they would have made a very purple, sticky mess everywhere by being blown around by the stinking wind. At least I expected the wind this year and bowing to it makes it a much less stressful experience. Not one cuss word this time. Really. Just not so great looking presentations. But that's okay! She's three - what does she care?

Can I just mention I HATE when people don't RSVP? When planning a party, it helps to have a small idea of how many you need to plan for. Especially when making individual items. So to make sure there is enough you always end up with WAY too many. People! When you're invited to a party, give some indication if you'll be attending or not! Save the party planner a little stress, would yah? I guess what I am saying is we had WAY too many suckers and that's after throwing multiples at people as they left. But... if everyone would have shown up, then we would have had it just right or maybe not enough. RSVPs aren't hard. Now to step off the soapbox...

She didn't really get why everyone around her was singing. It took her a few seconds to decide she actually kind of enjoyed being the center of attention (I know! *My* kid - what's wrong with her??) and then she ate it all up with a big grin. When she went to blow out the candle there was a convenient burst of wind that did it for her but it was such perfect timing she didn't have a clue. She couldn't have cared less about the cake and was only interested in the cupcake for about a bite and a half. So knowing we were on a limited attention span with the big, fancy park just a few feet away, we jumped into opening gifts.

Here she is supposed to be showing off one of her gifts but she doesn't hold still or pose or cooperate much at all with cameras.

I just have to say I think I have one of the most gracious, grateful 3-year olds (children, quite possibly, at this point - it's so rare anymore) in the world. Once she started opening gifts from other people (Mom doesn't count, don't need to tell her thanks! geeze!), without any prompting whatsoever, she ran around to each person after opening his/her gift and gave them hugs. And she insisted on it. It was adorable and actually made me very proud that she is so kind and thoughtful to realize people are giving her things.

Gifts kept her attention for a few minutes but not for long. I was worried she'd want to get right into a few of the things the whole "open NOW!" child experience. She didn't care at all. She looked at what she got, put it in a pile and moved on to the next gift. And then? It was off to the park not to be seen again for HOURS.

 

And this picture I just had to throw in there because I think it's absolutely adorable. It only took these two almost two years to become friends but now they are best buddies. And they couldn't be any cuter.

Happy birthday, little monster. You've made the last three years fly by, thanks for helping me to love every minute of it no matter how good or bad it was!

(Thanks to "Uncle Marker" for getting some really great pictures!)

Toddler Stories

Up first, we finally got Miss Monster a toddler bed. This poor kid and her bed issues. She's always a little behind the times because our lives have been so ridiculous - and LAME - since having her. So, yeah, it's a bit late but she's out of a crib, she's out of a pack-n-play and she's out of random other peoples' makeshift beds for her. It's her very own big girl bed. And she loves it. Problem is, apparently, she doesn't love sleeping like a normal human in her bed. That, or maybe she's already grown out of it and it's time for a new bed. (Wouldn't surprise me but it'll be late too.) A few mornings this week when I have gone in to check on her when I get up, she has been barely in her bed at all. She hasn't "fallen out," she isn't sleeping on the floor, she's just kind of "dangling." Case in point:

This was Tuesday morning:

This one makes sense. She flails in her sleep, sure, her legs draping off is completely understandable. But this???

What did she do? Wake up and decide to pray to the sleep gods that she would go back to sleep quickly and they listened? This is how I found her Wednesday morning.

I look forward to waking up in the mornings (oh who am I kidding?? Nothing could make me look forward to waking up in the mornings but at least this makes it partially amusing and bearable) to see what new contortion she has managed to get herself in to throughout the night.

Secondly, the stories that make the other moms think twice about letting their kids hang out with mine!

Night before last she was playing on her dad's computer chair twirling away, happily and kindly chanting, "Mommy, I hate you." It's a phrase she picked up from daycare, I'm not thrilled about it but she says it so kindly and pleasantly it's obvious she has no idea what she's saying. (I know that won't last long.) So I kindly and pleasantly tell her it's not a really nice thing to say, please don't use that word. Blah blah blah. Of course, when she gets babbling I rarely pay full attention so sometimes it takes me a while to realize what she's saying. So after a few minutes of that and I recognize it, she moves on to something else. A few minutes into that I again start to realize what she's saying, it finally registers, "Mommy? I want to say 'oh dammit.'" She'd been saying it over and over a few times before I picked up on it and then once I heard it... well I couldn't do what I wanted to do!!!! I wanted to burst out laughing but I figured that was probably not the appropriate response to something I'd rather she STOP DOING! So we had the not nice conversation again and she gave up...

But then!!

Last night we were driving down to the store, she burped and said "excuse me." Right on, my kid has manners! So she points out, "Mommy, I said excuse me!" So I tell her yes, that was very nice of her, that is good manners. And she responds, "Yep! I didn't say 'oh dammit'."