Loss

There are not words for what this post should say. I can't talk about it. I can't think about it. I simply can't deal with it. I am an emotional pansy and the first to admit it.

Jordan, our twelve-year old chihuahua, passed away last week. It was completely out of the blue for me and there are so many emotions to go along with it. The worst being guilt. When we put our house on the market in VA, two and a half years ago, they recommended we didn't have animals in the house during showings. Since we worked over an hour away from home, there was no way to run home and get the dogs for each house showing. So we "loaned" them out. And then life just kind of got out from under us. My biggest fear was that something would happen with one of the dogs while we didn't have them and I would never be able to forgive myself for "pawning them off."

While that fear was realized, I have nothing to forgive myself for, she was in a great place with a great person. But that does not eliminate the guilt. *I* should have been with my dog. I will never be okay with the fact that I wasn't. Sure, she was just a dog and it's part of life that they come and go, but she was like our first child - spoiled rotten, always there, she was the first thing - responsibility, life, pet - we had "together" - and from the time she was a puppy.

So it was/is awful.

And then there's the piece of trying to explain it to a 3-year old. How much does she really need to understand, really? She spent the entire day telling anyone with ears that her dog had died. She had questions. I didn't really have answers.

The week before, she was outside playing with a small ball. A ball she's had forever and loved. She lost her grip on it, it rolled down the street and fell into a storm drain. There was no way to get it out so we had to spend the week explaining to her that her ball was gone and she couldn't ever get it back every time she asked and it was often. So that's what I used. That's how I explained the loss of her dog to her. Which isn't going to stick for the same reason I am not still a blubbering mess. It's not 100% present in our lives. We didn't have her when it happened so, really, it's like nothing has changed. Whereas, if we had her, oh man. Life would be upside down for a while and explaining it to a 3-year old would probably be a whole lot harder. She loved that dog and always has nothing but excitement in her when she talks about them or sees them.

I miss my dog. I miss my daughter's dog for my daughter who can't possibly understand and who I'm glad can't really understand. Because I think that would make it even harder than it already is.