Loss

There are not words for what this post should say. I can't talk about it. I can't think about it. I simply can't deal with it. I am an emotional pansy and the first to admit it.

Jordan, our twelve-year old chihuahua, passed away last week. It was completely out of the blue for me and there are so many emotions to go along with it. The worst being guilt. When we put our house on the market in VA, two and a half years ago, they recommended we didn't have animals in the house during showings. Since we worked over an hour away from home, there was no way to run home and get the dogs for each house showing. So we "loaned" them out. And then life just kind of got out from under us. My biggest fear was that something would happen with one of the dogs while we didn't have them and I would never be able to forgive myself for "pawning them off."

While that fear was realized, I have nothing to forgive myself for, she was in a great place with a great person. But that does not eliminate the guilt. *I* should have been with my dog. I will never be okay with the fact that I wasn't. Sure, she was just a dog and it's part of life that they come and go, but she was like our first child - spoiled rotten, always there, she was the first thing - responsibility, life, pet - we had "together" - and from the time she was a puppy.

So it was/is awful.

And then there's the piece of trying to explain it to a 3-year old. How much does she really need to understand, really? She spent the entire day telling anyone with ears that her dog had died. She had questions. I didn't really have answers.

The week before, she was outside playing with a small ball. A ball she's had forever and loved. She lost her grip on it, it rolled down the street and fell into a storm drain. There was no way to get it out so we had to spend the week explaining to her that her ball was gone and she couldn't ever get it back every time she asked and it was often. So that's what I used. That's how I explained the loss of her dog to her. Which isn't going to stick for the same reason I am not still a blubbering mess. It's not 100% present in our lives. We didn't have her when it happened so, really, it's like nothing has changed. Whereas, if we had her, oh man. Life would be upside down for a while and explaining it to a 3-year old would probably be a whole lot harder. She loved that dog and always has nothing but excitement in her when she talks about them or sees them.

I miss my dog. I miss my daughter's dog for my daughter who can't possibly understand and who I'm glad can't really understand. Because I think that would make it even harder than it already is.

Here Be Monsters

I am entering into uncharted territory.

In 30 minutes from now - or, from when I started typing this - I will be pregnant for longer than I was with Miss Monster. 35.5 weeks. And no signs of any kid yet. I'm a little torn about this. Good that I apparently still have a little time to get a little more ready and get things together. But bad because I am so very tired of playing Host and just really want my body back - to be able to breathe, to move, to lay down, to bend over, to SLEEP - hahahaha, I know - who sleeps with a newborn? But that's not the point, to be physically capable of sleep is what I am talking about.

I think I got spoiled not having to do that last month with Madeleine and given she was so early, we've (including my doctors) have been pretty sure this one would be early as well. Not so much. A million other worries came along with this one, but now I'm sure I'm stuck going through this entire, miserable, HOT, awful summer big, fat and pregnant. There have been a few scares along the way - the time in March when I was pretty sure I'd lose the baby. The time at 30 weeks we were pretty worried she was just going to show up out of the blue right then. But after getting through all of that, and getting as ready as I actually am for this one, I think it has kind of jinxed it and I'll, with my luck, end up OVER due. (I know, "there's always something to complain about." And I should just feel lucky there haven't been worse complications and there are so many stories so sad and scary that I should just be grateful. But this is my space and I feel like complaining about how miserable this one has been.) I could have stayed pregnant forever last time around and she came early. This one, I wanted to be done pretty much immediately. And yet...

Time has flown by, really. It was the worst possible timing ever for us to get pregnant but I think it helped us shift focus from a lot of other things going badly because this was just the icing on the cake. And with Madeleine, I never had the chance to actually get "excited." I was too worried about getting ready and making sure everything was perfect that by the time I was getting around to relaxing about it and enjoying it, it was too late - she was here. With this one, I said forget it - I have no control. And now that I am a bit more ready than last time around, there are moments, slight twinges, of excitement. And then complete and total fear that somehow, between week 17 and delivery, she will change to a boy and we will be SCREWED! Not that we wouldn't want a boy (DUH) but uhhh... he'd have a whole lot of pink.

Growing

Madeleine was 4 months old her first Halloween. So, of course, I bought her a costume that fit - a 0-6 month costume. It was big and bulky and adorable. See:

Last night, we were working on the baby's room, dragging things out, sorting, organizing, putting things away, you know, the "fun" part of preparing for a baby (ha). One of the things I had in the pile to put back in storage was her lady bug costume. But I didn't get to it before she did. She's three. And it all but fit. Granted, only one of the snaps did up, but hey - it was ON.  

So not a whole lot has changed in three years, right?

If only.

For you, Miss Moo,

This year you left the only place you knew as home, and all of your friends, and drove across the country with Mom to a new life in a completely different world from what you were used to. You've been in love with princesses and dinosaurs and puppies. You lived away from your Dad for four months and spent five months with Mom actually getting to be a mom. You spent weekend after weekend going back and forth from one city to the other, spending just about as much time in the car as in our past life. You've watched more movies than probably most 10-year olds (in and out of the theater) and you've learned to sing and dance and love music. You've gotten to know your families and you adore them all. You've lived in more houses, with more different people than most people ever will in a lifetime. And you got a new house, your "own house," after not having one or any of your things for five months. You've also gained the sass and attitude to outdo most 14-year olds. And you've turned into one of those kids that has tantrums. After the first two years, I admit, I wasn't really expecting that. But you're three now and I am sure there are still plenty more to come.

I hope this past year is the hardest one you have for a very long time. You went through so much change and so much lack of consistency and routine. And yet, you are still such a good little kid. There were times you were my rock and got me through the insanity of it. And really, quite probably the only reason I did make it through the last year. The five months I got to spend being just your mom were, while difficult, the best five months ever. You have such a strong personality and are such a strong-willed, independent little monster that I often have to remind myself to just chill, you're only three.

There are days I feel really guilty we changed your life the way we did. We have such a different lifestyle here, I can't really say we can compare the two. You have so much family here and you have had the chance to spend so much time with them and I tell myself all the time that makes it worth it. To see you interact with your cousins and your grandparents, for a few split seconds, I really believe it. And, I am convinced, it's what we make of that life, for you, that matters. No matter where we are. And no matter where we are, or where we've been, watching it through you and seeing you take everything in and learn so much from it, makes anything worth it.

Welcome to your fourth year of life and may it be much easier - but just as fun and exciting - as the last three.

And She's Three

Little Miss Monster turned 3 on Sunday. We went to Vernal and had a little party at the park for her on Saturday evening. Given how her last party at the park went (or didn't!), I didn't plan much, I didn't go overboard and I really didn't care nearly as much as I normally would. But why stress when she's not gonna care about anything but getting to run around the park with her cousins all night? And it's a good thing I didn't because that was all she cared about. She didn't even eat her cupcake. She opened her presents and then just wanted to PLAY PLAY PLAY. So that's what we let her do.

We did a "purple flower" theme this year to keep it simple and small. The cake and the favors looked just like the invitations. We had grape koolaid drinks to match. I think I'm really kind of sick of purple for a while now.

I made the cake thinking it was one thing and then when I turned the pan over to get the cake out, realized it wasn't at all the pan I had thought it was. So I had to improvise as there was no way I was going to attempt what I had originally planned. I'm too lazy. But I think it turned out cute (and just fine!) anyway.

 

Kind of a crap picture of the spread, but there you have it. The swimming pool made a nice wind blocker given I couldn't take the cupcakes out of the container because they would have made a very purple, sticky mess everywhere by being blown around by the stinking wind. At least I expected the wind this year and bowing to it makes it a much less stressful experience. Not one cuss word this time. Really. Just not so great looking presentations. But that's okay! She's three - what does she care?

Can I just mention I HATE when people don't RSVP? When planning a party, it helps to have a small idea of how many you need to plan for. Especially when making individual items. So to make sure there is enough you always end up with WAY too many. People! When you're invited to a party, give some indication if you'll be attending or not! Save the party planner a little stress, would yah? I guess what I am saying is we had WAY too many suckers and that's after throwing multiples at people as they left. But... if everyone would have shown up, then we would have had it just right or maybe not enough. RSVPs aren't hard. Now to step off the soapbox...

She didn't really get why everyone around her was singing. It took her a few seconds to decide she actually kind of enjoyed being the center of attention (I know! *My* kid - what's wrong with her??) and then she ate it all up with a big grin. When she went to blow out the candle there was a convenient burst of wind that did it for her but it was such perfect timing she didn't have a clue. She couldn't have cared less about the cake and was only interested in the cupcake for about a bite and a half. So knowing we were on a limited attention span with the big, fancy park just a few feet away, we jumped into opening gifts.

Here she is supposed to be showing off one of her gifts but she doesn't hold still or pose or cooperate much at all with cameras.

I just have to say I think I have one of the most gracious, grateful 3-year olds (children, quite possibly, at this point - it's so rare anymore) in the world. Once she started opening gifts from other people (Mom doesn't count, don't need to tell her thanks! geeze!), without any prompting whatsoever, she ran around to each person after opening his/her gift and gave them hugs. And she insisted on it. It was adorable and actually made me very proud that she is so kind and thoughtful to realize people are giving her things.

Gifts kept her attention for a few minutes but not for long. I was worried she'd want to get right into a few of the things the whole "open NOW!" child experience. She didn't care at all. She looked at what she got, put it in a pile and moved on to the next gift. And then? It was off to the park not to be seen again for HOURS.

 

And this picture I just had to throw in there because I think it's absolutely adorable. It only took these two almost two years to become friends but now they are best buddies. And they couldn't be any cuter.

Happy birthday, little monster. You've made the last three years fly by, thanks for helping me to love every minute of it no matter how good or bad it was!

(Thanks to "Uncle Marker" for getting some really great pictures!)

Toddler Stories

Up first, we finally got Miss Monster a toddler bed. This poor kid and her bed issues. She's always a little behind the times because our lives have been so ridiculous - and LAME - since having her. So, yeah, it's a bit late but she's out of a crib, she's out of a pack-n-play and she's out of random other peoples' makeshift beds for her. It's her very own big girl bed. And she loves it. Problem is, apparently, she doesn't love sleeping like a normal human in her bed. That, or maybe she's already grown out of it and it's time for a new bed. (Wouldn't surprise me but it'll be late too.) A few mornings this week when I have gone in to check on her when I get up, she has been barely in her bed at all. She hasn't "fallen out," she isn't sleeping on the floor, she's just kind of "dangling." Case in point:

This was Tuesday morning:

This one makes sense. She flails in her sleep, sure, her legs draping off is completely understandable. But this???

What did she do? Wake up and decide to pray to the sleep gods that she would go back to sleep quickly and they listened? This is how I found her Wednesday morning.

I look forward to waking up in the mornings (oh who am I kidding?? Nothing could make me look forward to waking up in the mornings but at least this makes it partially amusing and bearable) to see what new contortion she has managed to get herself in to throughout the night.

Secondly, the stories that make the other moms think twice about letting their kids hang out with mine!

Night before last she was playing on her dad's computer chair twirling away, happily and kindly chanting, "Mommy, I hate you." It's a phrase she picked up from daycare, I'm not thrilled about it but she says it so kindly and pleasantly it's obvious she has no idea what she's saying. (I know that won't last long.) So I kindly and pleasantly tell her it's not a really nice thing to say, please don't use that word. Blah blah blah. Of course, when she gets babbling I rarely pay full attention so sometimes it takes me a while to realize what she's saying. So after a few minutes of that and I recognize it, she moves on to something else. A few minutes into that I again start to realize what she's saying, it finally registers, "Mommy? I want to say 'oh dammit.'" She'd been saying it over and over a few times before I picked up on it and then once I heard it... well I couldn't do what I wanted to do!!!! I wanted to burst out laughing but I figured that was probably not the appropriate response to something I'd rather she STOP DOING! So we had the not nice conversation again and she gave up...

But then!!

Last night we were driving down to the store, she burped and said "excuse me." Right on, my kid has manners! So she points out, "Mommy, I said excuse me!" So I tell her yes, that was very nice of her, that is good manners. And she responds, "Yep! I didn't say 'oh dammit'."

       

I'm a Little Behind in Life

A very long time ago (and I mean very, very) I played along in an interview thing Bethany Actually was doing over on her site. It was a long time ago. I'm finally getting around to answering her questions and feel awful that it took me so stinking long.

1. What do you miss most about Northern Virginia? What do you like most about Utah?

Everything but the traffic. Which I get plenty of here as well so there's not a lot to miss. But in truth, there really are specific things I desperately miss about Northern VA that I don't (can't/won't/whatever) get here. I miss the friends I made there. I feel they are people who are much more like me and who I want to be than I will ever find again. It was nice having a huge social group, my age, who all had kids my daughter's age who were very accepting and nice and very, very intelligent who also had similar lifestyles and goals as we had. Not saying those people don't exist here, but for Utah, I am an 'old' mother. People here start having kids in their early twenties. I was almost 30. So it's hard to find people who "get" the lifestyle we have to live right now with a toddler and another on the way. People here also tend to be of one mindset or another - Mormon or very anti-Mormon. There are few in-between. That is very difficult for me. So, missing the social circle is a big one. I very much miss the weather (even the humidity if you can believe that!) and the landscape. I loved all the trees and the green and the wildflowers that would grow in the medians of the divided highways. I miss the shopping. I miss the restaurants. Oh, how I miss the restaurants. That's a big one. And not even the fancy-schmancy restaurants but the simple sandwich/salad shops. The thing I miss the most though is being able to have a million things to do at my fingertips that were FREE. Sure, it took a while to get in to DC but to be able to get there and have a million kid-friendly options to do without having to pay an arm and a leg was awesome. Granted, there were just as many things to do that did cost a bit but there were things! Here I feel like the selection is very, very minimal and the cost is so very not worth it. Which is odd given it's touted as such a "family-friendly" state and probably has the most kids per family of anywhere in the world. But whatever. Not to be completely down on Utah (I still am having a pretty difficult time here which I never expected but, what can yah do?), there are things I like about being here. I like that it doesn't take a plane ticket and hours and hours worth of travel to visit my sister and her kids. I like that if I wanted to, I could pack up and head home for the weekend at any point. Okay, so I guess there is only the one thing, which is what brought us back here anyway and that is the proximity to family. We did choose (I say "we" meaning "Dan" but you get the picture) to live a bit further away from family than I think we originally had in mind but it's closer than a 4-hour plane ride!

2. I had my daughter a month early too. Totally took us by surprise; we didn't even have diapers in the house! Even almost five years later I sometimes feel like we're perpetually a month behind schedule. Did your daughter's birth take you guys by surprise too? What do you most wish you had been able to do with that last month that you didn't get to do?

It absolutely took us by surprise. Given Dan was in Utah because we were so very much not planning on *that* early and we had NOTHING in the house or set up or ready in any way.
I would have liked to have had a little more time to figure out what we wanted to do with her room. Or, you know, be able to give her a room. She didn't get her room until she was probably 6ish months old. She was going to be taking over my computer/craft room and it was very much still my computer/craft room because I had all the time in the world. Then, of course, once she showed up, there was no time or chance to do anything about it. So I would have like to have had a baby's room to bring the baby home to. And a crib. We didn't even have a crib. Or changing table. Or, well, much of anything that I guess all fits under the umbrella of "baby's room." I would have liked to have had the time to do a little more obsessing and freaking out, honestly. And I would have liked to have had the chance to go in to DC for the 4th of July. That was the plan that year but that got scratched really fast when considering we had a 3-week old infant by then. Though being seven months pregnant now, I have to admit I'm not all that heartbroken to have missed the most miserable part of the pregnancy - that last month when nothing in the world is comfortable and there is only misery.

3. You say you like laughably bad movies. What's your favorite bad movie? Do you also like quality movies (like, Oscar-nominated ones), or can't you be bothered?

I love movies. Just big, generic, broad statement there. I love all types of movies. I say I love bad movies because everyone makes fun of me for it. I love the good movies probably more but I have to invest a piece of myself in those. And I do. I am a highly sensitive, emotional person who gets so wrapped up in and personalizes everything that the deep thought-provoking movies really do take an emotional toll on me. But I find I do love them the best. I just can only handle them in moderation. However, give me a bad movie and I can watch it over and over and over because there is no emotional involvement on my part and I don't even have to pay a ton of attention to it. That's why I really like them, I can put them on as background noise while I do other things and actually get other things done. So that's what it's about. I love good, "quality" movies, I just use the bad ones to get things done.

4. What's the worst job you ever had?

Hahahaha. This is such a great question and one that I would totally love to delve in to and give a completely clear picture of how bad it was and to what level and degree and why it ruined my life/sense of self/outlook/etc., etc. But I'm not going to do that. It was the last job I had before moving back to Utah. I'm sure a lot of people would claim the "worst job" is something that they hated doing or that was inconvenient or bad timing or you know - some teenage/college job to get by for a week or two. But my "worst job" truly broke my spirit and stole my soul. And it was doing a job I loved and am VERY good at. It made me never want to do it again. As well as question every skill, every effort, every ability, and every motivation I have ever had. It made me terrified to go back to work for anyone else in any capacity. Still, 8 months later (and having landed another job) I question my abilities.

5. If you were a character in a TV show, who would you be?

I have to admit, I haven't watched hardly any TV in the past year so I don't know that I can appropriately answer this question. Even in trying to think of TV I used to watch or television past, I kind of just draw a blank. This, coming from one of the biggest appointment TV freaks of all time... Stopped watching TV? What's wrong with me? I don't know... To my what - 3? readers out there, peg me (be delicate with my poor, little baby feelings! Remember, I am a hormonal basketcase!!!!!) - which TV character am I most like?

And, in keeping with the spirit (or rules, rather), I will even offer to (months later) interview anyone else who wants to play along...

Coming Out of Denial

I think I have finally accepted that we have another baby on the way. So far, I've pretty much been going through the motions: taking the vitamins and supplements, visiting the doctor, buying the huge-belly clothes, getting annoyed at the non-stop kicks and flutters in my stomach - but never really admitting that there is another baby in this gigantic belly of mine or that we're going to have another kid to clothe/feed/keep us up at night.

In trying to get moved in to this tiny house we have, something just clicked this weekend and I realized I need to start getting these rooms ready for kids. Madeleine's room is a disaster. We've lived here four weeks and she's still in her pack and play as a bed and has toys scattered everywhere because we haven't bothered to put her room together. Part of it is because we were planning originally on putting her back in her crib for a while and then on a whim decided to just bite the bullet and get her a bed. Which meant her room needed to get cleaned up enough to move the crib from her mess to the other mess in the other room.

So I did that. The crib is now in the "Other Baby's" room (that's her name for now, by the way. We can't come up with anything better so that's what we're calling her), where it should have been all along. And I moved the bookshelf in there and the baby monitor and the more baby stuff I started putting in that room, the more I realized, holy crap - we've got a baby comin'.

Madeleine has been talking more and more about her "baby sister" and is so excited about the idea. I bet she has a major change of heart once she realizes what she's been talking about, but for now, she can't wait to share her toys and clothes and be so helpful and teach her all sorts of things. Seriously, endless conversations about what she's going to do with and for her baby sister.

I haven't bothered doing any shopping for this one yet (another form of my denial) but Madeleine put an end to that this weekend. She had about five outfits in her hand at the store this weekend insisting Baby Sister *needed* each of them. So I caved and let her buy one. And I honestly think that was the moment of truth. It was then it hit me that there is a baby coming - and soon - and still doesn't even have a name. Maybe that's why I've kept myself in denial. I just don't want to name this one. If she had a name, she'd be more real. Right? Either way, I need to get a move on with all this baby stuff. I've ignored it for too long and now feel like I will not ever be ready. And we're too close to there!