Family Fun

I sat down to type up a post about the fun few days Li'l Miss M and I spent at my sister's house in Ogden. Because I love to procrastinate, I did so by reading up on a few blogs. Seems my sister beat me to it. And because I am also lazy, I'll just send you her way to read about our fun few days with them. In a nutshell - a lot of toddler Rock Band and some pumpkins.

Homesick for a Place That was Never Intended to be "Home"

Four years ago, if someone would have told me it would be harder for me to leave Virginia than it was for me to leave Utah, I would have called him insane. He (or she) would not have been. I fell madly in love with Virginia. I won't lie, it wasn't love at first sight but it grew slowly and passionately over time. It was inevitable that it would end, I knew our stay there was limited. The pull of family has always been strong for us and it's very important to both of us that our child know her family.

When I was at the height of wanting out of DC, Dan called me and asked what I thought about potentially trying Vernal, just resetting a bit, get a good chance to get completely out of debt, have time with family, and all the other bells and whistles he touted on that call. My response was this: I would give *anything* to get out of DC, ANYTHING! But not that, NOT that.

You see where that got me? I temporarily warmed up to the idea (I guess I really did want out of DC *that* bad) and made room for the idea to be further explored. The second it became a "decision," I knew that was not what I had wanted. And now, here I am. Longing for the life I had, the life we had created for the three of us, the friends we made, the routines we set, the space we had but maybe not the insanity of the last few months. I am not sure of the trade off's or what's better or worse. I just know I desperately miss what I know I'll never get again for *my* family. But now we have our families around us, so we'll just see where we go from here.

I'll be posting a bit backwards for a while, I have a lot to get out there but needed to get this out there first so we'll just start here and go back over the last couple weeks.

I Think I Have a Problem

Two large boxes worth.

I should maybe wear some of them every so often.

"Careful What You Wish For"

When we moved to Virginia, we figured it would be a 3-5 year stay. That was 4 years ago. Two years ago we decided we wanted to get home soon-ish so our families could know our kid and vice versa. One year ago we decided we really loved it here. Four months ago we started making efforts to actually head back. A week ago the decision was made to do it. Next week we do it. It was the ultimate goal, what we had wanted, and yet... Not like this, not this quickly. I am a bit terrified, a lot unprepared, and so very, very sad to be leaving this new life we've created for ourselves. We have made some amazing friends out here, met some of the very best people I've ever met in my life and I will miss all of them them terribly. We're leaving a lot behind that we love and enjoy. But we know we want to be close to family.

So I am packing up our house this week for us to trek back across the country and start over all over again.

Yikes.

All I Can Do is Keep Breathing

Or - Tired of the old shit, let the new shit begin.

There are so many directions I want to take this post. For the last 6 months, this quote has been able to sum up my life:

"The only pride in her workday was not that it had been lived, but that it had been survived."

(Funny that the book that I have been fighting with for 15 years can, in any way, sum up my life)

I am glad to say that is not my life any more. I no longer have that job - or any job for that matter. Which is, of course, terrifying for so many reasons. I don't want to sound flippant, I do recognize the doom and gloom, the gravity and reality of the situation in this economy and in my life. But at the same time, I cannot deny the sense of relief. In less than one day, my entire demeanor has drastically improved - I am already finding pieces of myself. Pieces I thought were lost. I may not have a job, but I have my soul back. Hence the ability to post again. It was a very short-lived break. I had expected it to be much longer. I indicated I was taking a brief pause because too much was happening that I couldn't get a grasp on, things just kept going wrong. So it seems a bit odd that yet another - a HUGE - step in the direction of "bad shit keeps happening to us" would be something that made all that a bit better. It was that "step" that made *me* better. I have no idea what I am going to do now. I have absolutely no idea how we will get by or where we'll end up. This should just amplify the fear, the frustration, the discouragement I have been feeling lately. Difference is, now I have the will to care. I was so angry and bitter and hateful and cynical and miserable before that I just couldn't allow myself to be optimistic, or even try to be. Now I have the energy to pick up the pieces and try to put them back together.

Just Breathe

I, like so many others, was taught "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything." Now granted, I, like so many others, rarely live it. However, when it gets to a point where you find you have no interest to say anything to anyone because you're just swimming in a pool of uncontrollable absurdity and all you can do is bitch about it, maybe it's time to shut up. When you get to the point you find no joy or motivation or interest in anything, when you've reached your limit of optimism and hope and it's all dashed leaving nothing but bitter anger and hate, maybe it's time to take a break from feeling like you have to care and just take care of yourself. So much shit has hit the fan and continues to hit the fan that I really believe I have reached my breaking point. So. My point. I know posting here is sporadic on a good day but... it's been exceptionally worse lately and I will cite my absolute inability to see much to care about sharing or discussing as the reason. So along those lines, I am going to be taking an official break for a little while. Until I can get my head above water, my feet back underneath me, dig myself out of this enormous hole, find other clichés to hurl at you, or at least find some light at the end of this very long tunnel, I'll be quiet. I won't say silent because maybe once in a while I'll throw something out there. I know I don't have a lot of readers, mostly family checking in on the kid and the PSS bunch reading those topics, so it's obviously not a huge deal. I'm just letting those few of you who do read know. I'm sure I'll collect things to post and will definitely catch-up on all of the PSS topics but I just need to be MIA for a little while. Officially. So I don't feel guilty about not getting something new up, or finding the cute pictures to share, or whatever. I'll be back. Sooner probably than later. I just need to clean out some cobwebs in my brain.

Project Say Something: Zoom Zoom Vroooom Woah!

I think I threw this question out there just so I could go on and on about my new favorite show on television. And that show would be Top Gear. I know! Who'd have ever guessed - me? a car show? No way! Well, I'm here to tell you, oh, yes, WAY. Probably just because I have a bit of a crush on Richard Hammond. (Of course that would be the reason, it couldn't possibly have anything to do with the fact that I've laughed so hard while watching it that I've cried or that they had David Tennant as a guest or that they do some really stupid amazing things with moving vehicles.)

As for my answer... When I dream, I tend to dream BIG. And I mean REALLY big. If it's a dream, why the hell not go all out, right?

Let's talk fast, sexy, absolutely-nothing-subtle-about-it-whatsoever, sleek, did I mention fast? Or sexy? I did? Well let's make sure it's completely clear. Fast. Sexy. Okay, we can move on then.

First up is the Bugatti Veyron. On first thought, you know, it really is incredibly ugly. But there is something so very sexy and simply mean-looking about this car. And I love it.

If you're going to see these cars, you need to see what they can do. Plain and simple. (Youtube has disabled embedding for the videos, but I promise, they're so very worth it.)

Next is the Ferrari F430. Simply (no, there's nothing "simple" about it) sleek and sexy.

Then the Maserati Quattroporte. Look! Sleek and sexy and a family car! What? It has 4 doors!

The McLaren F1 was my very first "dream car." I loved this car long before I even met my husband (the only reason I know a Ford from a Chevy or a Ferrari from a Porsche (okay, that's a slight exaggeration but I think you get the idea)). This was the first car I saw and thought, "Holy WOW! That's beautiful!"

No, not all of my "dream cars" cost more than the GNP of some countries. There is the Chrysler Crossfire. It's pretty down to earth and yet still sleek and a little sexy.

And there's Eleanor. A 1967 Shelby GT500. Mmmmm... yeah.

And, last, but not least. There's this:

Oh? Why, yes. That *is* my car. Of all the cars out there, in the "real world," (meaning: the world in which a real human could actually AFFORD the car) this is the one I would want to own. And I do. And I love it just as much as I thought I would. Even a year later. Even on days when I think, "I really don't need this car. It can't be *that* great," I see one driving by me and think, "WOW! I really like that car!" Then realize that's what I'm driving and all is right in the world.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go hang my head in shame. I am not a car person. I'm not... I'M NOT! I swear!

Crap.