I am a Convert*

See this? I love her.

How in the world did it take me so long??

Granted, I’ve spent most of my time in iPhoto but that alone is enough to completely justify this decision. I haven’t used a mac in ages but so far, I love this thing. And the more I use it, the more I love it.

 

*No, Mom. Not that kind of convert. Put down the phone. Breathe.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

You know, eleven years is a long time for any relationship. To be honest, I never expected it to go on this long. I was young, I was naïve, you had so much to offer. We’ve had our share of ups and downs. You’ve done some amazing things for me. I have made so many wonderful, life-long friends because of you. You’ve taken fairly good care of me over time. You moved me across the country and gave me a life I never dreamed of. I was always loyal to you. You were always pretty stingy, never giving me what everyone knew I was worth. And the looming feeling that you were going to tire of me and kick me to the curb every fall got to be too much. So I am taking my life and my future into my own hands and I am turning and walking away. It’s best for both of us. Maybe our paths will cross again in the future, though with your recent self-destruction, that’s probably not likely. I wish you the best and truly do thank you for our time together but it’s time for me to say goodbye. It’s bitter-sweet and I am sad to go, but I have to break out on my own now. Best of luck to you.

Holy shit. I have quit my job.

What have I done??

Project Say Something: Burning Down the House

Why is it, my sister’s questions always make me rethink how I do things? How rude.

“Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire; after saving your loved ones, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any ONE item. What would it be?”

I have to admit, all of my life I have had an intense fear of my house burning down. Yes, I’m materialistic, but that’s not it. It’s the sentimentality of it all. Though, right now, if I my stuff were out of the house, I’d say sayonara, sucker! Burn, baby, burn! I’d finally be able to get out of the damn thing. (I am KIDDING! I do not want my house to burn down with or without my stuff. Okay, universe? Did you get that disclaimer? It was a joke!)

But if it did, and my stuff was going up in flames with it, I would be screwed because the one thing I know I would want to go back in and get is up the stairs, around the banister, down the hall and in the very back bedroom. Yes, I would be going down with the house if I went back in for it. This is where my sister has made me rethink how I do things.

I would want to save my binder of CDs that have all of my pictures on them. Sure, I would be losing all the pictures before I went digital but these are Madeleine’s entire life. I’m sure there should be something else I would rather save, but that’s the only thing I can really come up with right now. So instead of storing them in the worst possible place in the house, I have decided to move them to the bookshelves in the front room. With my camera. So I can cheat. If I have time to grab one, I have time to grab the other. Which means I might as well store my computer there too. And the baby books. And my jewelry. And shoes. And… I’m kidding. Really just the pictures. The memories.

Project Say Something: 20 10 Questions

Amy stole her questions from Inside the Actor's Studio this time around. Which? Brilliant. I love how "word-association" -like they make them.

What is your favorite word?
Onomatopoeia

What is your least favorite word?
Fart (seriously, I hate that word)

What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
Intelligence. Cleverness.

What turns you off creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
Close-mindedness

What sound or noise do you love?
Ocean. Children's laughter

What sound or noise do you hate?
LOUD

What is your favorite curse word?
My mom,grandma and mother-in-law read this site so I naively swore to myself I would not use that word on my site. Which truly kills me a lot of days. (It is afterall, my favorite. And just flows so easily and works so well with so many things.) It's the one that starts with the F and ends with the K. But mom, grandma, mother-in-law, I swear, I don't say that word. Ever. Really.

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Designer

What profession would you not like to do?
Clean port-a-potties. Along with so many others.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
"Welcome" (Hey, it's better than, "You've got the wrong door, dummy!")

Sound of Silence

You know how limos have those windows that the driver can roll up to give "privacy" to the back seat? So he doesn't have to hear or see what's going on back there?

I want one of those.

So when she starts screaming and freaking out, I can roll up that window and pretend the car is quiet and calm.

Project Say Something: ‘Cuz I’m an Idiot

"We've all done stupid things in our lives. (Don't deny it, you were a teenager once too!) What's one of the stupidest things you've ever done? Tell us all about it! (Or if you're like me and have a ginormous LIST of them, just pick a few :) )"

If there has ever been any question of my genius, let me clear that up right now. I got a new cell phone Friday night. I spent a couple of hours setting it up and fiddling around with it. I didn’t bother “learning” anything about the phone. I just put my contacts in, added my most frequently called numbers, and called it good. Saturday I went to the mall. I tried to call my husband from my frequently called numbers list. It went to my voicemail. I tried again to make sure I wasn’t just crazy. Nope, same thing. A few possibilities went through my head since I know nothing about the phone. I had thought maybe I had just typed his number in incorrectly (our numbers are only one digit different), but of course I couldn’t be *that* stupid. So after trying and testing a few things, I actually started looking into it. Yep, sure enough, I was, in fact, *that* stupid.

Is this the stupidest thing I have ever done? Not by a long shot.

I seem to have a knack for doing stupid things. An old pro. And while I do have a list of them, I sure do have one that takes the cake for all of them. Not one I like to admit, not one I like to talk about (for so many reasons other than the pure STUPID factor).

The summer I was twenty, I naively, stupidly, in a complete loss of all rationale, logic, smarts, common sense and whatever else, got on a plane to Portland, Oregon to meet some guy I’d been chatting online with for a while. A LITTLE while. I’m not talking lots of months or years. I’m talking in weeks. Aside from all the other reasons this was incredibly stupid, reasons I don’t need to go into here, seriously – DUMBEST thing ever. I knew next to nothing about the guy. I could have been flying off to meet a complete psychopath, serial killer. What did I know? Young people are insane. They want something, they ignore all rationale and reason and get it. Doesn’t matter how incredibly stupid it is. It wasn’t until I got there that I thought (in the terms of safety), “What the HELL am I thinking????”

Obviously he wasn’t a psychopath serial killer (well, he very well could have been a psychopath, he did turn out to be kind of a nutjob in the end.) and I lived to tell the tale. But looking back over my life, of all the HUNDREDS of stupid things I can say I’ve done, that would be the worst.

It makes all the backing into things, head shaving, walking away from things that shouldn’t be walked away from, not selling stock worth something, relationship screw-ups, dumb-ass decisions I’ve made look like I really am a pure genius. Even if I can’t type a phone number correctly.

Heading Outside Again

It's finally getting warm enough that we don't have to spend all night in the house. Thank goodness. Hopefully it stays that way. It's made surviving the night much, much easier.

Things I Need to Learn:

1. How to Knit.

I want to make scarves and hats, that’s all. Nothing fancy-schmancy. Just simple things to be cute and keep me warm.

2. Patience.

Really. I can’t do a darn thing to make my house sell any faster. I can’t MAKE a toddler understand adult logic any better. If my husband doesn’t want to take the garbage out right this very second, there’s not really a lot of harm in waiting a little while. (Really. There’s not. Put down the trash bag and CHILL.) I can’t force things to happen on my time-line just because I feel like it. I just need to learn to breathe and deal.

3. Just because someone else doesn’t like/prefer something, doesn’t mean I’m wrong for liking/preferring it. It just means people are different.

There are the parents who mock or criticize the “character-themed anything.” Or pink/blue. Or actually having proof that there are toys in the house. Just because I like some character-themed somethings (and even put them out for others to see!) doesn’t make me a bad person. Or a worse parent. It just means I have different tastes. I need to realize that, accept that, and stop thinking that because I don’t think the same as other people out there that *I’m* the weirdo. (I used to pride myself on that, what’s up with that?)

4. How to be a better friend.

Or, I guess, in general – how not to be such a slacker. I have the best of intentions. But the worst follow-through.

5. How to get my eyebrows just – exactly – so. On each side. Perfectly symmetrical.

Seriously.

6. How to be a morning person.

I am a night person. I am the most productive/creative after 10 PM. That I have to get up in the morning is horrible. That I have to get up early – that’s clearly a death wish.

7. How to drink (and like) coffee.

See #6. (Any suggestions?)

8. How to do a little girl’s hair.

Li’l miss M is getting hair now. I’m a little worried. I don’t even know how to do my own hair!

9. Where to keep my car keys so I a) don’t lose them b) don’t get all the way to the car and then realize they’re at my freaking desk or still in the blasted house.

10. To just breathe.

Natural Parenting Fears

Now that I have a child, the one thing I want to do more than anything in the world is be a mom. If I am responsible for her, I would like to be the one responsible for her. (Meaning: if she learns something horrible at day care, I’m still responsible for it. So I would just rather be the one teaching her the horrible tricks myself.) I realize that’s not an option for us at this point and I come to terms with that daily. (Which, yes, means I get all pissy about it daily as well.) But that’s what I want.

And yet…

The one thing that scares me more than anything in the world? Raising a freaking child. Oh my holy cows! I just sat through a “Raising an Ethical Child” parenting class. There are too many things that can go wrong, too many ways I can fail. It’s simply terrifying. Sure, I can deal with “toddler.” But a child? A teenager? What the hell was I thinking??

And then… As I was walking out of the doctor’s office this afternoon, overhearing one of the doctor’s reading a study from his computer screen to the nurses standing around that 1 in 4 teenage girls has an STD. I think I wanna go cry now.

Suddenly, I’m taking comfort in being able to place blame for her insanity, her misbehaviors, her brattiness on day care.*

*She has a wonderful day care. I am not saying they are doing anything wrong or damaging her in any way. In truth, they are why she is so well-behaved. I sure as hell haven’t had anything to do with that!

Project Say Something: Music & Change (or someone please change the music, these questions are hard!)

"How (*insert band name/artist here*) Changed My Life."

Music hasn’t really “changed” my life in the spirit of this question. The people who have introduced me to the music certainly have but the music changing me, not so much. So Trista (Prince), Stacy (Poison, Def Leppard, and all the crap I REFUSED to listened to but she never gave up trying to convince me), Jennifer (all the Pop-stuff that made me kinda wanna gag on cotton candy), Cory (The Cure and all *that*), Kelly (Ministry, Nine Inch Nails and all *that*), Chris (Michael McLean and the church-y stuff), Blake (everything Classical), and for everything in the last 14 years, Dan – thanks a lot.

But in the literal sense of the question – there was a band that changed my life. Well, that caused my life to be changed. And that credit goes to the Eels. Specifically their song, “Daisies of the Galaxy.” Now let me first say this, at the time - and a whole bunch of years before and even a bunch of years after - I HATED the Eels. “Carnival-Circusy-Crap” is how I would describe them. But. That one song, somehow, sparked something in my boyfriend of 800 years and convinced him it was high time to just give in and marry me already. So the Eels changed my life. Of all the bands out there, it had to be one I hated.

Luckily, I had some sense knocked into me at some random point in time while listening to their song “Souljacker Pt. I” at an ungodly volume. (After hearing it probably 8 million times before that. I don’t know what the difference was.) I now LOVE the Eels. Even the carnival-circusy-sounding songs they have.

So, yeah, their music changed Dan’s life somehow enough to change mine. Go them!

Random Blurbs #6, #7 and #8

#6 Potty chair options suck. Why can't there be cute AND multi-functional? Geeze.

#7 There needs to be a Magic 8 ball that can tell you which decision really is the right decision. Eliminate the risk and guessing games. NOT a gambler here. Can yah tell?

#8 You know how most houses have sock monsters? We apparently have a sippy-cup monster. And just the cup, because I still have all the lids. What's up with that?

Project Say Something: Soundtrack to a Funeral

This week’s topic has been really difficult for me. I don’t do death. Not the idea of mine or anyone else’s. I think of losing even my dog and the tears start. There are those people who are fine with it, who accept it and are comfortable with it. I’m happy for them. I’m not one of them. Well, except that I accept it because, after all, you can’t really deny it. But I’m not okay with it. I’m terrified of it. So when Shane gave us the task of selecting 60 minutes worth of music we would have played at our funeral (including the why), I wanted to run and hide under a rock or something. But I didn’t. I obsessed over it. I thought about it every waking minute. It completely took over and I started thinking about every death I’ve ever had to get through, every funeral I ever attended and it ripped my heart out again and again. And it also made my heart pour out all over again for those families I know who suffered such a loss. Especially the ones that were children and so unexpected.

I’ve only been to a handful of funerals. (Some may say that’s fortunate. I wouldn’t disagree.) Only one of those was not an LDS funeral. Given that I am no longer practicing, I imagine it would be safe to assume my funeral would not be the standard LDS funeral. So I’m kind of screwed. I have no idea how they work otherwise, how the music plays in, how it “works.” I do, however, know, my funeral better not last an hour. Eee gads.

It’s really hard thinking up music for a funeral – let alone my own. But even harder than that was trying to figure out “why” for some of the choices. I’ll try to list the why, but if the why isn’t there it’s because there just aren’t words to explain it. It’s a feeling. There is some music that causes such a response in me, not like an emotional response – more like it’s conversing with my soul. It’s just so moving and beautiful it’s indescribable. There are a few of those on that list. Otherwise, if you want further explanation in my lovely Kimese (the kind that makes no sense to anyone but a select few), just ask and I’ll give it a shot.

So without further ado (and obsessing and wallowing), my music:

Let’s Get it Started – Black Eyed Peas
Let’s Go Crazy – Prince
Get the Party Started – Pink

I’m kidding. Geeze, people. I had to lighten up the mood of this gloomy post somehow!

Moonlight Sonata – Beethoven
Oh. My. Just. Because. If I had my way, this piece wouldn’t only be played at my funeral but I would be listening to it as I die. Everything would be okay then. (Morbid, I know. Sorry.)

If I, for some reason, die before my grandmother, I want her to play Red Roses for a Blue Lady. (Otherwise, it can be scratched.) Listening to her play and sing that song when I was a little girl is one of my favorite memories of going out to visit them.

I Will Follow You into the Dark – Death Cab for Cooties Cutie
It’s a good death song. An even better love song. But here, I have to use it for the death purpose obviously.

Cristofori’s Dream – David Lantz
A beautiful, moving piece of music. That falls under the "just because" category (as, I guess, most of these do anyway)

Fly – Celine Dion
Oh come on, of course I’m going to have a sappy, sick, Celine song. And of course it’s her sappy, sweet song about death. Get over it.

Walking After You – Foo Fighters
Because. I. Have. To. There’s just no question about that.

I Believe – Kory Kunz
I want to believe.

Daisies of the Galaxy – Eels
Dan knows why. I can't explain why.

Hey Man (Now You’re Really Livin’) – Eels
Because there is no reason it shouldn’t end completely upbeat! It’ll be dedicated to everyone in attendance that day….

Seriously, I’m not a huge music person anymore. There is very little that hold true meaning and depth for me. The ones that do are listed here. So this isn’t 60 minutes but to fill the time, you can just put Moonlight Sonata on repeat and call it good.